its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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