i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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