Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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