Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
