I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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