the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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