i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
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Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
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Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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