I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
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I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
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This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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