fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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