Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
