i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
