i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
