a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
