life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
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