please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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