I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
