Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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