Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
