Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
