So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize
