he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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