I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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