I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
