Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She needs sedatives and a leash
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
