I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
