phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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