He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
