I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
