we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Randomize
