So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
