I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
