I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
