Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
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It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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