Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
