Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
