Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
