i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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