Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
