I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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