I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
