I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
They took my balls.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
