sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just gift wrapped bread.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
