Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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