Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
