now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
