It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
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I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
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I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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