Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
