I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
