Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
