He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
