Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
