YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
