Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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