John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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