Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
