when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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