oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
