i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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